AS GOOD AS IT GETS by Mard Andrus And James J. Brooks Story by Mark Andrus SWEET-FACED WOMAN I'm just going to get some flowers, dear. I'll be back in twenty minutes. It's tulip season today. I'm so happy. MELVIN Come here, sweetheart... come on. MELVIN Wanna go for a ride? Okay, sweetie? MELVIN You've pissed your last floor, you dog-eared monkey. MELVIN I'll bet you wish you were some sort of real dog now, huh? Don't worry... this is New York. If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere, you know? You ugly, smelly fuck. SIMON Verdell!?!! Here, good doggie... SIMON Mr. Udall... excuse me. Hey there! Have you seen Verdell? MELVIN What's he look like? SIMON My dog... you know... I mean my little dog with the adorable face... Don't you know what my dog looks like? MELVIN I got it. You're talking about your dog. I thought that was the name of the colored man I've been seeing in the hall. SIMON Which color was that? MELVIN Like thick molasses, with one of those wide noses perfect for smelling trouble and prison food... SIMON Frank Sachs -- Melvin Udall. MELVIN How're you doing? SIMON Franks shows my work, Mr. Udall. I think you know that. FRANK Simon, you've got to get dressed. MELVIN What I know is that as long as you keep your work zipped up around me, I don't give a fuck what or where you shove your show. Are we being neighbors for now? SIMON Do you still think I was exaggerating? FRANK Definitely a package you don't want to open or touch. MELVIN Hope you find him. I love that dog. SIMON You don't love anything, Mr. Udall. MELVIN I love throwing your dog down the garbage chute. SIMON Thank the good Lord... wow... my honey... where have you been? PARTY GOER He always liked me. SIMON Just for a second, okay? SIMON Look at him... where was little baby? HANDYMAN In the basement garbage bin eating diaper shit. SIMON Go ahead, John, you earned your fun. How did he get down in the basement? I mean even if he got on the elevator how... ? HANDYMAN Maybe some nice neighbor shoved him down the garbage chute. SIMON My God! No! MELVIN 'Somewhat in the dark, she had confessed and he had forgiven. This is what you live for, he said. Two heads on a pillow where there is only the safety of being with each other. How, she wondered, could she find such hope in the most shameful part of her.' SIMON Mr. Udall. MELVIN 'At last she was able to define love. Love was... ' SIMON Mr. Udall, I'd like to talk to you please. MELVIN 'Love was... ' MELVIN ... Son-of-a-bitch-pansy-assed-stool-pusher. MELVIN Yeeeess!!! SIMON Maybe this can wait. SIMON I found Verdell, Mr. Udall. MELVIN Well, that's a load off. SIMON Did you... do something to him? MELVIN Do you realize that I work at home? SIMON No, I didn't. MELVIN Do you like to be interrupt when you are danging around in your little garden? SIMON No... actually, I even shut the phone off and put a little piece of cardboard in the ringer so no one can just buzz me from d... MELVIN Well, I work all the time. So never, never again interrupt me. Okay? I mean, never. Not 30 years from now... not if there's fire. Not even if you hear a thud from inside my home and a week later there's a smell from in there that can only come from a decaying body and you have to hold a hanky against your face because the stench is so thick you think you're going to faint even then don't come knocking or, if it's election night and you're excited and want to celebrate because some fudge-packer you dated has been elected the first queer President of the United States... and he's going to put you up in Camp David and you just want to share the moment with someone... don't knock... not on this door. Not for anything. Got me. Sweetheart? SIMON Yes. It's not a subtle point you're making. MELVIN Okay, then. SIMON So the theory of confrontations is that now he'll think twice before messing with me? SIMON He's genuinely upsetting, isn't he? FRANK Won't worry about it. You go ahead. MELVIN Oh, I'm pissed!! Now I am really pissed!!! MELVIN No touch. No touch. No touch. FRANK You may think you can intimidate the whole world with your attitude, but I grew up in Hell. My grandmother had more attitude. You don't intimidate me. MELVIN Police! Police! Fucking crooked police... doughnut-munching morons help me! Assault and battery and you're black. FRANK Shhhh now. I like Simon. I like him enough to batter you unrecognizable if you verbally abuse him or so much as touch his dog again. Meanwhile, I'll try and think how you can make this up to him. I hate doing this. I'm an art dealer. Have a nice day. Party! CAROL Look at you, you're all better. MOTHER It's that new medication. CAROL You know all my son's stuff, right? CAROL No, no, no, I got a date tonight. I'm walking out the door this morning and he says to me, 'Mom, I promise not to get one of my fevers or coughs during your date.' MOTHER Isn't that sweet. CAROL Little blonde angle. Eat everything. WOMAN It just came out of me. I said you love me the way a remote control loves a TV. As long as I switch every time... HER MALE COMPANION Wonderful. MELVIN People who talk in metaphors can shampoo my crotch. Eat up. LISA Pay me back next week. CAROL I owe you. I told you today... them's the rules. Oh, excuse me, Melvin. MELVIN I'm starving. CAROL Will you please take it? LISA This way you take a cab home so you have time to get ready for the date. CAROL "Ready" is not my problem. CAROL Go sit down. You know you're not allowed back here... Spencer's more excited about it than I am... He says, "Mom, I promise not to get a fever or couch during your date." CAROL I know. He's just the best. MELVIN I've got Jews at my table. CAROL It's not your table. It's the place's table. Behave. This once, you can sit at someone else's station. CAROL Or you can just wait your turn... MELVIN How much more you got to eat? Your appetite isn't as big as your noses, is it? WOMAN What?!! MAN Let's go -- MAN Let's leave. We're going. CAROL Bryan says he doesn't care how long you've been coming you ever act like this again you're barred for life. I'm gonna miss the excitement, but I'll handle it. MELVIN The table's fine if it had some cholesterol on it. Two sausages, six bacon strips, fries, three eggs over easy and coffee. CAROL You're gonna die soon with that diet, you know that? MELVIN We're all gonna die soon. I will. You will. It sure sounds like your son will. CAROL If you ever mention my son again, you will never be able to eat here again. Do you understand? Give me some sign you understand or leave now. Do you understand me... you crazy freak? Do you?!? CAROL Okay. I'll get your order. YOUNG MAN What? CAROL I... I... I don't know... You got me. CAROL Let me just do whatever I do by myself... I'll catch up to you someplace I promise. Oh, no... don't look like that. No. I'm sorry if I'm a goof. CAROL Kissing... kissing boys. Oh my. SPENCER Grandma, grandma... YOUNG MAN Maybe you better check. CAROL Like what did you think I was going to do? BEVERLY I'm sorry. I was hearing just everything you were doing so I put these on to give you privacy. SPENCER I'm sorry. CAROL Don't be silly. How bad? SPENCER Not bad. CAROL You can't smoke... He can't take smoke. CAROL Oh, God... I don't even notice anymore. CAROL That'll teach you. YOUNG MAN Don't apologize. CAROL That wasn't an apology. CAROL Hey... this is just a little throw-up -- it's nothing to be so embarrassed about. Really. Thanks for the dinner. Let me write down which trains you take to get back. YOUNG MAN No way. YOUNG MAN I'll take a cab. YOUNG MAN Too much reality for a Friday night. EVAN Why is every customer surprised I read books? DOUG You read books? EVAN Oh, wow! I know this guy! Look! He even bought me dinner. CARL Look, I just can't. I promised Simon I'd find him a model. FRIEND Carl, take me off the speaker. Did I tell you that these are house seats? C'mon, you could use a break. Hello... Carl, are you there... hello? CARL ... I just found a model. DOUG Hey, how it's goin'... EVAN Hey, hi... remember? CARL I only need one. EVAN You picked me up, maybe a few weeks, I don't know, some time ago. You were very flattering about our... encounter. CARL Maybe just you and me... but this is for a painting. I need a pretty face. SIMON Sorry, I was out in the studio doing some work and I forgot about our appointment. SIMON I usually make such a big deal out of picking models but Carl's so thorough. I'll bet he drove you nuts checking your references. SIMON This isn't a nude. VINCENT Just kidding around. So much for love. SIMON Exactly what is your previous experience? VINCENT How about that pose? This is not fun... Give me some direction. SIMON Nothing. I just watch till something strikes me. Do anything you think of -- try different thing. Until I say, "hold that pose." Then just try and comfortably hold it. VINCENT The fact that you haven't said, "hold it" means I haven't done it right... is that correct? I haven't done it right? SIMON No... Okay. What I do is watch and wait for, um... You ever watch someone who doesn't know you're watching... an old woman on a bus, kids going to school and you see this flash come over them and you know immediately that it has nothing to do with anything external -- that it's in respond to a private thought they just had? They are just sort of realer and more alive. And when you notice it so are you. If you look at someone long enough, you discover their humanity. VINCENT I know exactly what you mean. SIMON Hold it. MELVIN Clippity clop -- clippity clop -- she has to pretend she doesn't hear me. Listening to the story from the upset friend... now she drops off the cappuccino and smiles at the putzette who doesn't even say, "Thank you." No, the putzette wanted the whipped cream so back she goes and now she has to pass him again and it's getting tougher to make believe. CAROL Okay. CAROL What's with the plastic picnic ware? Why not try ours... afraid it isn't clean? MELVIN I see the help -- judgement call. CAROL Just give yourself a little pep talk. "Must try other people's clean silverware as part of the fun of dining out." MELVIN What's wrong with your son, anyway? CAROL What do you care? CAROL He's gotta fight to breathe. His asthma can just shoot off the charts -- he's allergic to dust and this is New York and his immune system bails on him when there's trouble so an ear infection... Is this bothering you? MELVIN No. CAROL An ear infection can send us to the emergency room -- maybe five, six times a month where I get whatever nine-year-old they just made a doctor. Nice chatting with you. MELVIN His name? CAROL Spencer. MELVIN Okay. CAROL Spence. SIMON You can put on anything you want now. I might be sort of done here... DOUG Lucky Vinnie -- he's a painting. VINCENT So you're practically finished, huh? SIMON Yes... well, there's one more stage -- trying to figure out if it's any good. VINCENT Wait -- I want to see the painting. SIMON Just a second -- he has to go. VINCENT Please!! NO!!! SIMON What's the matter, sweetheart? DOUG Yo. SIMON Why are you doing this? VINCENT No. No. No. Hey, that painting in there... I just want to tell you... EVAN What are you doing? Cruising him? RAY Okay. So you call 911 and don't leave your name -- even a dumb geezer should know that emergency automatically pulls up your name. How come you make a mistake like that? MELVIN How come you're pretending to do cop work -- 'cause I don't think you could find your ass if you were spotted the hole. RAY What? MELVIN Just move on. No one here killed him. RAY Oh, is he dead? MELVIN Ask him. RAY We will if we can and if we can't, we'll come back and ask you again and again. SWEET-FACED WOMAN I've been praying for him since I heard. FRANK So I've got to get to the hospital. If you could take the dog just for tonight. SWEET-FACED WOMAN Oh, Lord -- I've got all these antique knick-knacks... Or else I'd be glad... FRANK Maybe if you kept locked in the bathroom. No? Okay. Thanks. Old bitch... Damn dog. FRANK You're taking him... yes... you're taking him -- this will clear the books. One night. You want to say "no" to me? Try... because I've never felt as nuts as I do right this second. I almost want you to try saying "no." MELVIN I'm not saying nothing to you. FRANK Thanks for looking after him. MELVIN Hey, where are you going? You can't do this. I can't take a dog. Nobody's ever been in here before. FRANK You don't want to mess with me today. I'll figure something else out tomorrow. MELVIN You're dead!! MELVIN I don't have dog food. And I won't want dog food here. You'll eat what we have. You'll eat what we eat. MELVIN Don't you touch anything. FRANK Put the solid red dots on three of them and the hold blue dots on two others... Well, we're not going to sell anything if they know we're two weeks into a show and have no sales. No, you can't reduce a price at this stage... We're in free fall here. Any calls? JACKIE We can see him. FRANK I'll meet you in there. JACKIE How you doing, great one? SIMON I haven't looked at myself yet. I figured I could tell from your reaction. SIMON That bad, huh? FRANK Hey, hey... Haaa... bad but temporary. The nurses say it's much better than you looked three weeks ago... the hand will come back... they're sure... SIMON Jackie, will you hand me the mirror? JACKIE No. JACKIE Wait, I have a smaller one. SIMON So, what's new anyway? How's Verdell? FRANK Your neighbor -- Udall -- is taking care of him. SIMON How could you do that? He'll hurt him. FRANK No, I promise... not a chance. I own this guy. There was no one else. I'm on the move too much. Trust me. SIMON You are very certain my dog is okay... because you have no idea... FRANK Yes. Your dog is fine, Simon. SIMON Okay, waiting gives the devil time. Now! SIMON Oh my... Where'd I go? Ummmm? CAROL So what are you doing with a dog? MELVIN Suckered in. Set up. Pushed around. CAROL You're not worried that someone might take him? MELVIN Well, not until now -- for Christ's sake. CAROL Sorry. MELVIN It's okay -- I'll sit here. CAROL You know he's a little dog. Next time, if Bryan's not here, you can bring him in. MELVIN How old are you? CAROL Oh, please... MELVIN If I had to guess by your eyes, I'd say you were fifty. CAROL And if I had to guess by your eyes. I'd say you were kind. So, so much for eyes. But as long as you bring up age... how old are you? MELVIN Otherwise, you're not ugly. CAROL Okay, pal... I accept the compliment, but go easy -- my knees start a-knocking when you turn on the charm full blast. MELVIN What's with the dark? CAROL Dawn patrol -- major dawn patrol. My son had a full blown attack. And this time, for extra fun, they gave us the wrong antibiotics, so I get him home... MELVIN No... no... leave it... the bacon's for the dog. MELVIN Last week I was playing the piano for him and he likes it, and so I decide I'm going to make a little joke... CAROL You all set here? MELVIN It's a beautiful day for our walk. MELVIN Don't be like me, don't you be like me. You stay just the way are because you are a perfect man. I'm gonna take you home and get you something to eat... what you love. FEMALE PASSERSBY Ohhh. I'd like to be treated like that. MELVIN Let's go home and do some writing. MELVIN "He turned off the gas jets and carried her outside. He kissed her brow and when her eyes opened and found him, he said, 'there are easier ways to break a date.' She laughed. The only sensible ambition he had ever known was now realized. He had made the girl happy. And what a girl. 'You've saved my life,' she said, 'you'd better make it up to me.'" MELVIN Done!Yes, I hate the doggy... yes, I hate the doggy. MELVIN Sixty-two books... done! FRANK How's Verdell doing? MELVIN He's a pain in the ass. FRANK Simon's home. I was sort of hoping you could keep the dog until he's had a chance to think and adjust... MELVIN It's been five weeks... another few won't kill me. FRANKby tomorrow. MELVIN Okay by me. MELVIN That's some face they left hanging on you. You look like... SIMON Could you take it just a little easy, Mr. Udall? SIMON Thank you. Verdell... sweetheart? By the way, thanks for saving me. MELVIN I called. I never touched you. I didn't leave my name or nothing. SIMON Verdell? SIMON Hi, sweetheart. SIMON No. Please, don't force him. JACKIE You little stinker. He's given you everything. MELVIN Over the dog... an ugly dog. MELVIN Worst sidewalk in New York and look where they put in. MELVIN Help! DOCTOR If you want to see me you will not do this. You will make an appointment... MELVIN Explain to me how you can diagnose someone as "obsessive compulsive disorder" and then act like I have any choice in barging in. DOCTOR There's not going to be a debate. You must leave. MELVIN You said you could help me -- what was that -- a tease? DOCTOR I can help you if you take the responsibility to keep regular app -- MELVIN You changed the room around... DOCTOR Two years ago... DOCTOR I also regrew my beard... but you're not interested in changes in me... so it's like I always told you... when it comes to people you... MELVIN Shhhhhhh. I don't have this mountain of available time... I got to get to my restaurant on time. Do you know how hard it is for me to be here? DOCTOR Yes. No. MELVIN What if this is as good as it gets? CHERYL What the heck are those for? MELVIN No. No. Get Carol. CHERYL I'm filling in. We don't know if she's coming back. She might have to get a job closer to home. MELVIN What are you trying to do to me? CHERYL What the heck do you mean? MELVIN Hey, elephant girl, call her or something... just let her do my one meal here. I'll pay whatever. I'll wait. Do it!!! MANAGER Out. Be silent or leave. MELVIN I'll be quiet. Just let me wait. No problem. Get her here -- have her get me two sausages, four bacon, two eggs over easy and coffee. I'm not a prick here -- I'm a great customer. This day is a disaster. I can't handle this, too. MANAGER Get out immediately or there's going to be trouble. MELVIN There's going to be trouble??? MELVIN Carol's last name? BUSBOY Connelly. MELVIN I'm hungry. You've upset my whole day. I haven't eaten. CAROL What are you doing here? MELVIN This is not a sexist thing. If you were a waiter I would still be here saying... CAROL Are you totally gone? This is my private home... MELVIN I am trying to keep emotions out of this. Even though this is an important issue to me and I have strong feelings about the subject. CAROL What subject? That I wasn't there to take crap from you and bring you eggs? Do you have any control over how creepy you allow yourself to get? MELVIN Yes, I do, as a matter of fact... and to prove it I have not gotten personal and you have. Why aren't you at work? You're not sick -- you don't look sick... just very tired and bitter. CAROL My son is sick, okay? MELVIN What about your mother? CAROL How do you know about my mother? MELVIN I hear you talk when I'm waiting!!! CAROL Sorry, honey... I'll be right there. MELVIN How ya doing? MELVIN You should answer when someone talks to you... CAROL Sorry. There is a limit, Melvin, and I can't handle you teaching my son manners. CAROL AND SPENCER 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... Bingo. SPENCER 104.9 CAROL We are going to treat ourselves to a cab ride. CAROL Melvin, wait! SCHOOL KIDS Melvin, wait! Melvin, wait! Melvin, wait! MELVIN Shut up, kids! CAROL Melvin... give us a lift. We've got to go see our friends at the hospital. MELVIN I'll ride up front. Cover your mouth when you cough, kid. CAROL Brooklyn Presbyterian Hospital, please and quickly please. CAROL I owe you three dollars. MELVIN Yeah, yeah... any chance you'll get back to work today? CAROL No!!! Stay away from me! JACKIE I feel terrible that I have to... Simon? Forget about the dog for a second. SIMON Sorry. What are those cards? JACKIE Frank's idea. He thought I should have notes so I did this right... maintained focus, didn't get emotional and tried not to terrify you. SIMON Terrify me? JACKIE See, he's right. I need the cards. Simon, you're broke. JACKIE The medical bill are 61 thousand now. I've spoken to your parents and they didn't hang up or anything -- they just said they would feel strange calling you. SIMON Well, I can't reach them. SIMON Here, baby... what is it, Verdell?... You miss the tough guy... Well, here I am, you little pissant mop, happy to see me? How about another ride down the chute? Oh, God... I don't mean it, sweetheart... I'm sorry. I know... JACKIE Frank loves you. You know that... but I've spoken to him and he feels that -- -- as a businessman, with limited resources... SIMON I'll be able to keep my apartment and studio, won't I?... Just tell me. SIMON Wow... FEMALE EXECUTIVE Yes, you write more than anyone else. Yes, you make us a lot of money, but isn't there someone more appropriate to... MELVIN I need this. Just say, "Melvin, I'll try," okay? FEMALE EXECUTIVE Melvin, I'll try. FEMALE EXECUTIVE Now, on a pleasant note, our son got accepted at Brown. My husband... MELVIN Great, wonderful. I don't need you to wait with me. ZOE I can't resist. You usually move through here so quickly and I have so many questions I want to ask you. You have no idea what your work means to me. MELVIN What's it mean? ZOE That somebody out there knows what it's like to be... in here. MELVIN Oh God, this is like a nightmare. ZOE Aw come on, just a couple of questions -- how hard is that? ZOE How do you write women so well? MELVIN I think of a man and take away reason and accountability. CAROL Hello? Hello? VOICE Mrs. Connelly, I'm in here. CAROL What? Please? Now? Tell me?! DR. BETTES Mrs. Connelly. I'm Martin Bettes... Dr. Bettes. CAROL Not your name... what are you telling me your name for!! Where is he? DR. BETTES He's in the bathroom... He's fine. CAROL Tell me how bad it is. I let him go out last night when it was so cool without an overshirt -- just and underone with just the straps and I know better... and I let him talk me into it. He was whining and... you don't need this. Give me a second to catch hold. SPENCER Hi... Did you know there are doctors who come to your house? CAROL No, I didn't. So why are you h... BEVERLY I didn't know you had a secret admire. CAROL Huh? BEVERLY You met the gift. SPENCER He's good... And I'm an expert on doctors. CAROL Stay out of this... Doctor? DR. BETTES My wife is Melvin Udall's publisher. She says I have to take great care of this guy because you're urgently needed back at work. What work do you do? CAROL I'm a waitress. BEVERLY In Manhattan. VOICE Dr. Bettes? DR. BETTES In here. NURSE Sorry it took so long. I don't know Brooklyn. DR. BETTES It's okay, Terry. Tell the lab I'd like the report back today. CAROL You're going to get the results today?! DR. BETTES How long has he been having problems? CAROL Since forever. DR. BETTES Have they done blood tests on him? CAROL Yes. DR. BETTES Only in the emergency room or when he was well. CAROL Emergency room only. DR. BETTES Have they done skin testing for allergies? CAROL No. DR. BETTES They haven't done the standard scratch test. Where they make small injections into the skin? CAROL No. I asked. They said it's not covered under my plan. And it's not necessary anyway. DR. BETTES It's amazing these things weren't done. CAROL Fucking H.M.O. bastard piece of shit... I'm sorry... forgive me. DR. BETTES No. Actually, I think that's their technical name. CAROL Once the tests come back, is there someone I can reach in your office for the results? DR. BETTES Me. My home number is on this card. CAROL His home number. CAROL Do you want some juice or coffee or two female slaves? DR. BETTES Water... Nobody told you it might be a good idea to remove the carpeting and drapes in Spencer's room? CAROL No. DR. BETTES You don't have to do it this second... it's not dangerous or anything. It's just something that's advisable. Look, there's a lot to be checked but... Hey, your son is going to feel a good deal better at the very least... CAROL Doc!!! So listen, you gotta let me know about the additional costs -- one or the other we'll... DR. BETTES They're considerable. But Mr. Udall wants to be billed. NORA You poor, poor man. SIMON Let's use just one poor, okay? Anyway, dear, thanks for everything. Forgive my recent crankiness and as soon as things are on track again I'll call. SIMON What's wrong? NORA Who's going to walk Verdell? SIMON No, no. MELVIN Is he dead yet? NORA No! Would there be any way for you to be willing to walk his dog for him? MELVIN Absolutely. NORA Not just today -- Uh, could you do it -- until, until he gets back on his feet? MELVIN Sure thing. NORA You're a wonderful man. Two o'clock is a good time. Here's the key in case he's asleep. Open the curtains for him, so he sees God's beautiful work and knows that even things like this happen for the best. MELVIN Where'd they teach you to talk like this -- some Panama City "Sailor want to hump-hump bar"? Or was today getaway day and your last shot at his whiskey. Sell crazy some place else -- we're all stocked up here. CAROL There is a seriously goofy man behind this. You are not allowed to block out that fact. BEVERLY Do you really want to go back to the runt doctors in Emergency who keep telling us they can't help? CAROL It lets a crazy man into our lives. BEVERLY Come on. Why fight when we know how it will come out. This isn't like stocking or a string of pearls. You don't send this one back. SIMON ello?... yes... sure... finally, huh? Why, "finally"? Because I called you so many times. Maybe 20. Oh, boy... I was hoping it was something like that. You didn't get one of them, huh? 'Cause I mean it wasn't only your office -- it was your home, hotel and the cigar club you like in San Francisco. No -- Sarcastic... Of course. I believe you. No, don't fire anyone... Please. Maybe I'm wrong about the 20 times. Take a breath... So, you miss me a little? Hey, strike the question -- How's the case going? Really. Fantastic. I didn't hear. I haven't been watching. Great. Just great. I'm so happy. Whoopie! Me? Well, I'm mending. No, I look fine. Well, some of the damage might still be noticeable if you look closely... SIMON Carl, I need some help and you're the logical one to turn to. No! Not 'cause I blame you for what happened. I hardly get how you can ever think that. No, I'm not being sarcastic. I guess because you hired the guy who did this you think... No, I am a sarcastic person. Well, if you must know, the reason I said you were the logical person is because you always told me how you thought I was this great person who made you feel good about humanity and everything. You do remembering saying that? Well, whew. Okay, so Carl. I hate asking but this money thing is ridiculously serious... SIMON "Will you please loan me money? I will pay you back. I will give you whatever percentage of my income I don't absolutely need until I do. It will take a while. But I don't know what I'll do if you say"... that. I understand... yes... No, I do. But you know, you know -- you didn't even ask how much, Carl? Well, Frank has no right to discuss how much I'm in hock... no, you're right -- not the point. So... what have you been up to??? Uh-huh... Oh, the group show... how was it? Well, I'm not surprised that there's that much talent around... great... Look -- gotta go... no, you shouldn't feel that way at all... take care, you, too... you, too... Good-bye. Pal o' mine. MELVIN Maybe I'll bring him some food by. SIMON Thank you for walking him. SIMON If you'll excuse me I'm not feeling so well. MELVIN It smells like shit in here? SIMON Go away. MELVIN That cleaning woman doesn't... SIMON Please, just leave. MELVIN Where are all your queer party friends? SIMON Get out. SIMON Nothing worse than having to feel this way in front of you? MELVIN Nellie, you're a disgrace to depression. SIMON Rot in hell, Melvin. MELVIN No need to stop being a lady... quit worrying -- you'll be back on your knees in no time. SIMON Is this fun for you? Well, you lucky devil... It just gets better and better. I am losing my apartment and Frank wants me to promise to paint hotter subjects and to beg my parents, who haven't called, for help... and I won't. And I don't want to paint anymore. SIMON So the life I was trying for is over. The life I had is gone and I am feeling so damn sorry for myself that it is difficult to breathe. Right times for you -- huh, Melvin. The gay neighbor is terrified... Terrified... Lucky you, you're here for rock bottom... me wallowing in self-pity in front of you, you absolute horror of a human being... MELVIN Well, I'll do one thing for you that might cheer you up. SIMON Get out. MELVIN Don't piss on a gift, tough guy. You want to know why the dog prefers me... it's not affection. It's a trick. MELVIN I carry bacon in my pocket. SIMON Oh, my gosh. MELVIN Now we'll both call him. SIMON Come on, sweetheart... MELVIN Yo, yo, yo... SIMON Would you leave now, please? MELVIN Stupid dog. I don't get it. CAROL Uh, Udall? MELVIN Carol the waitress? CAROL Yes. CAROL The doctors had your billing address. I'm sorry about the hour. MELVIN I was working... can't you just drop me a thank-you note? CAROL That's not why I'm here...... though you have no idea what it's like to have a real conversation with a doctor about Spencer... MELVIN Note. Put it in the note. CAROL Why did yo do this for me? MELVIN To get you back at work so you can wait on me. CAROL But you do have some idea how strange that sounds??? I'm worried that you did this because... MELVIN You waiting for me to say something? What sort of thing do you want? Look, I'll be at the restaurant tomorrow. CAROL I don't think I can wait until tomorrow. This needs clearing up. MELVIN What needs clearing up? CAROL I'm not going to sleep with you. I will never, ever sleep with you. Never. Not ever. MELVIN I'm sorry. We don't open for the no-sex oaths until 9 a.m. CAROL I'm not kidding. MELVIN Okay!!!! Anything else?!? CAROL Just how grateful I am. MELVIN So you'll be at work? CAROL Yes. MELVIN I took a chance you were up. MELVIN I brought you Chinese soup. SIMON Thanks. MELVIN I have never been so tired in my life. Okay, if I sit here? SIMON Got any easier questions? MELVIN I haven't been sleeping. I haven't been clear or felt like myself. I'm in trouble. Some son of a bitch is burning my bridges behind my back... But the tiredness -- boy... Not just sleepy. SIMON But sick -- nauseous -- where everything looks distorted and everything inside just aches -- when you can barely get up the will to complain. MELVIN Yeah... MELVIN I'm glad we did this. MELVIN Good talking to you. BEVERLY You're not still writing that thank-you note? CAROL I'm on the last page. How do you spell conscience? BEVERLY C-o-n-s-c-i-e-n-c-e. I got Sean from the bakery to baby-sit so let's go out. CAROL I still don't feel safe leaving Spencer with someone. How do you spell it again? BEVERLY Spencer is okay. You'd better start finding something else to do with your free time. If you can't feel good about this break and step out a little... You ought to get Mr. Udall to send you over a psychiatrist. CAROL I don't need one 'cause I know what's really going on here. I have to finish this letter or I'll go nuts. This can't be right -- con-science. BEVERLY Carol. What? CAROL I don't know... It's very strange not feeling that stupid panic thing inside you all the time. Without that you just start thinking about yourself -- and what does that ever get anybody. Today, on the bus there was this adorable couple and I felt myself giving them a dirty look -- I had no idea everything was... BEVERLY Go ahead. CAROL ... moving in the wrong direction... Away from when I even remembered what it was like to have a man to... anything... hold fucking -- sorry -- hands with, for Christ's sake. I was feeling like really bad that Dr. Bettes is married. Which is probably why I make poor Spencer hug me more than he wants to... Like the poor kid doesn't have enough problems. He has to make up for his mom not getting any. Oh, boy. Who needs these thoughts? BEVERLY Spencer's doing fine. So what are you saying, that you're frustr... CAROL Leave me be! Why are you doing this? Why are you picking at my sores... What is it that you want?... You want what? What's with you? I hope getting me thinking of everything that's wrong when all I want is to not do this has some purpose. What is it, Mom? No kidding. CAROL What is it you want? What? BEVERLY I want us to go out. CAROL Okay. CAROL We're going out. SEAN Looks like fun. CAROL Okay -- we're out of here. I love you. CAROL Do you love me? SPENCER Uh-huh. BEVERLY Nice to get out, isn't it? CAROL Don't get it wet. CAROL So it's okay? LISA You almost have me liking him. You sure come from the heart. I never knew what you went through with everything. CAROL I wanted him to know how much he'd done. Can you believe he's eating with someone. MELVIN It's not my dog and this Simon seems to have enough on his mind -- but he did throw up twice and his spark is off. FRANK Sure -- take him to the vet. MELVIN I did. And his stomach is out of whack. So they need him for a couple of days. FRANK Do it. CAROL Melvin. MELVIN What's this? CAROL A thank-you note for what you did for me. FRANK She's nice. MELVIN Really nice. Shouldn't that be a good thing... telling someone, 'no thanks required.' FRANK It looks like it really went over. You're sure making the rounds. Simon says you brought him soup last night. I hope he doesn't write you a note. FRANK What? MELVIN "What?" Look at you... You sense a mark. FRANK Hey -- you called me... I... MELVIN About a dog. FRANK Yeah, but it's all about Simon now... you helped with the dog... And now there are other things. I'm just as concerned as you are about Simon. MELVIN Concerned. I'm just the hall monitor here. FRANK It's not only financial assistance. What he's got to do is go to Baltimore tomorrow and ask his parents for money. It's not going to happen on the phone. MELVIN Yeah. If his parents are alive they've got to help -- those are the rules. Good. FRANK Yes. And tomorrow? I have a high maintenance selling painter coming through... So I'm out. Can you take him? MELVIN Think white and get serious. FRANK Take my car -- a convertible. Do you drive? MELVIN Like the wind but I'm not doing it. CAROL Getting loud, getting loud. MELVIN He wants me to take his car and his client to Baltimore. CAROL I want your life for a minute where my big problem is someone offers me a free convertible so I can get out of this city. MELVIN Okay. I'll take him. Get him packed -- ready -- tomorrow morning. MELVIN Okay... so I'll see you tomorrow. Let's not drag this out. We don't enjoy another that much. FRANK If there's some mental health foundation that raises money to help people like you be sure to let me know. MELVIN Last word freak. CAROL So. Anything else? MELVIN Yes. I'm going to give my queer neighbor a lift to Baltimore. CAROL Okay. MELVIN Hey, what I did for you is working out? CAROL What you did changed my life. MELVIN No... no thank you notes. CAROL Well, part of what I said in this entire history of my life which you won't read is that somehow you've done more for my mother, my son and me, than anyone else ever has... And that makes you the most important, surprising, generous person I've ever met and that you be in our daily prayers forever. MELVIN Lovely. CAROL I also wrote one part... I wrote I'm sorry... I was talking about I was sorry when I got mad at you when you came over and you told my son that he ought to answer back so I wrote that. I was sorry for busting you on that... and I'm sorry for busting in on you that night... when I said I was never... I was sorry and I'm sorry every time your food was cold and that you had to wait two seconds for a coffee filler... CAROL ... and I'm sorry for never spotting, right there at the table in the restaurant, the human being that had it in him to do this thing for us... You know what, I'm just going to start from the beginning... I have not been able to express my gratefulness to you... even as I look at the word "grateful" now it doesn't begin to tell you what I feel for you... MELVIN Nice of you... thank you. CAROL Thank you. MELVIN Now I want you to do something for me. CAROL Oh, I'm sorry... Didn't I say, "what?" I thought I said, "what?"... What? MELVIN I want you to go on this trip. CAROL No, sir... MELVIN I can't do this alone. I'm afraid he'll pull the stiff one eye on me. I need you to chaperon. Separate everything but cars. You said you liked convertibles. Now I'm on the hook. CAROL The stiff one eye? MELVIN Two days. CAROL I can't. I work. MELVIN You take off when you have to. CAROL My son. MELVIN Bettes tells me he's doing fine. CAROL Melvin, I'd rather not. MELVIN What's that got to do with it? CAROL Funny, I thought it was a strong point. MELVIN Write me a note and ain't she sweet. I need a hand and where'd she go. CAROL Are you saying accepting your help obligates me!? MELVIN Is there another way to see it? CAROL No. CAROL Well, here's a little suitcase shocked that it's been used. CAROL There's not way to pack for this trip... well, I'll tell you -- I'm not packing the camera. MELVIN Woo-woo. CAROL Hello? MELVIN Are you still coming? CAROL Yes. CAROL Melvin... I'd like to know exactly where we are going. MELVIN Just south to Baltimore, Maryland. So I know what you're going to ask next. That you might ask -- I'm not certain. CAROL There's... there's no need to bring anything dressy. have dress codes. MELVIN Oh. We might. Yes. We can. Let's. CAROL Okay, gotcha. What did you think I was going to ask? MELVIN Whether crabs are in season there now... CAROL Oh. Okay, then -- Melvin. Good night. BEVERLY How was it talking to him? CAROL Stop treating this like I'm going away with a man. He's just going to say those crappy, sick, complaining, angry things to me. I hate this, Mom -- I hate this. He's a freak show -- the worst person I ever met. BEVERLY Well, maybe he has nice friends. CAROL You stand there and I'll wave to you from the back window. BEVERLY Call me as soon as you're settled. CAROL I love you. CAROL Sensitive, huh?! VETERINARIAN Anything unusual in the dog's diet? MELVIN No. Everybody gets their own cage? VETERINARIAN Certainly. MELVIN Put him in with that one, not that one...... FRANK I'm sorry that I'm not taking you. SIMON So am I, Frank. MELVIN Soak it up -- it's your last chance at a hug for a few days. CAROL Hi. MELVIN Thanks for being on time... Carol, the waitress, this is Simon, the fag. CAROL Hello... Oh, my God, who did that to you? SIMON I, uh... I was... attacked. Walked in on people robbing me. I was hospitalized. I almost died. MELVIN Let's do the small talk in the car. Load up. MELVIN I was going to do that for you. CAROL It's okay. No problem. Where should we sit? MELVIN I -- uh, I... Well, there is no place cards or anything. CAROL Let me go in back. You look like you need all the room you can manage. SIMON That's very thoughtful. MELVIN Never a break. Never. MELVIN You're really jammed back there. CAROL Thanks, Melvin. MELVIN Welcome. MELVIN I got the whole ride programmed. MELVIN Just wanted to see what you'd do. No, we have greatness here. CAROL Hey, I like this music. CAROL I don't know the last time I've been out of the city... Hey, my arms are tanning. I used to tan great. We gotta stop soon so I can check on Spencer. SIMON I'm sorry... I can't hear you. I can't turn my head all the way yet... tell her we can't hear her. MELVIN Doesn't matter. She's enjoying herself. Consider it part of the music. CAROL I'm sure, Simon, they did something real off for you to feel this way... But when it comes to your partners -- or your kid -- things will always be off for you unless you set it straight. Maybe this thing happened to you just to give you that chance. MELVIN Nonsense! CAROL Anybody here who's interested in what Melvin has to say raise their hands. SIMON Do you want to know what happened with my parents? CAROL Yes. I really would. SIMON Well... CAROL No, let me pull over so I can pay full attention. CAROL Now go ahead. SIMON Well, I always painted. Always. And my mother always encouraged it. She was sort of fabulous about it actually... and she used to... I was too young to think there was anything at all wrong with it... and she was very natural. She used to pose nude for me... and I thought or assumed my father was aware of it. MELVIN This stuff is pointless. CAROL Hey -- you let him... MELVIN You like sad stories -- you want mine. CAROL You! Stop. Go ahead, Simon. Really. Please. Don't let him stop you. Ignore him. SIMON Okay. Well, one day my father came in on one of those painting sessions when I was nine -- and he just started screaming at her -- at us -- at evil. And... MELVIN ... my father didn't leave his room for 11 years -- he hit my hand with a yardstick if I made a mistake on the piano. CAROL Go ahead, Simon. Your father walked in on you and was yelling and... really, come on. SIMON I was trying to defend my mother and make peace, in the lamest way. I said, "she's not naked -- it's art." And then he started hitting me. And he beat me unconscious. After that he talked to me less and less -- he knew before I left for college, my dad came into my room. He held out his hand. It was filled with money. A big wad of sweaty money. And he said to me, "I don't want you to ever come back." I grabbed him and I hugged him... He turns and walked out. CAROL Well, you know -- I still stay what I said. You've got to get past it all when it comes to your parents. We all have these horror stories to get over. MELVIN That's not true. Some of us have great stories... pretty stories that take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad. Just not anybody in this car. But lots of people -- that's their story -- good times and noodle salad... and that's what makes it hard. Not that you had it bad but being that pissed that so many had it good. CAROL No. SIMON Not it at all, really. MELVIN Not at all, huh?!... Let's go to the hotel. And if you're lucky tomorrow Dad will give you another wad of sweaty money. MELVIN Two bedrooms and the sofa opens... CAROL No answer... Maybe we should just drive there tomorrow. Can I have that one? MELVIN Yes... sure. I'll take the sofa. CAROL Hello... Hi, Spencer... Why are you out of breath? You did?!? That is great... So great... So -- no, wait a second, Spence... MELVIN Can I ask you a personal question? MELVIN Do you ever get an erection for a woman? SIMON Melvin... MELVIN Wouldn't your life be a lot easier if you were not... SIMON You consider your life easy. MELVIN I give you that one... Nice packing. CAROL My son was outside playing soccer. I never saw him playing ball. Come, you guys -- take me out for a good time... Take me out dancing. MELVIN Dancing? SIMON I can't, I'm exhausted. CAROL I don't blame you... This is a monumental first day out... You sad or anything? SIMON No... Nervous. It would be very rough, Carol, if you weren't along. CAROL What a nice compliment. CAROL I'm happy. And you're my date. Let's get dressed. MELVIN I'm going to jump in the shower. I'll be right with you. VALET Good evening, sir. MELVIN They sell hard shell crabs here? VALET Yes. HEAD WAITER Good evening. MELVIN Hi. You have hard shells, right? CAROL Stop asking everyone. MELVIN Just him and that's it. Okay, you can answer -- we've worked it out. HEAD WAITER Yes, we do... And I can give you a tie and jacket. MELVIN What? HEAD WAITER They require a tie and jacket but we have some available. MELVIN No... I'm not wearing that -- and just in case you were going to ask I'm not going to let you inject me with plaque either. CAROL You promised a nice place -- can't you just... You have these dry cleaned all the time, don't you? HEAD WAITER Actually, I don't think so. MELVIN Wait here. SALESMAN Good evening. MELVIN I need a coat and tie. SALESMAN Come on in. MELVIN No. SALESMAN No? MELVIN That jacket and give me a tie. VALET #2 Good evening. MELVIN You have hard shells? VALET #2 I'm not sure. MELVIN Everyone else says you do. VALET #2 Then I guess we do. HEAD WAITER Shall I get her for you? MELVIN No, it's all right. I'll just watch. CAROL My drink is following me. CAROL You look s... CAROL You look great. CAROL You wanna dance? MELVIN I've been thinking about that since you brought it up before. CAROL And? MELVIN No...... I don't get this place. They make me buy an outfit but they let you wear a house dress. I don't get it. MELVIN No. Wait. What? Why? I didn't mean it. You gotta sit down. You can still give me the dirty look... just sit down and give it to me. CAROL Melvin, pay me a compliment... I need one and quick... You have no idea how much what you said just hurt my feelings. MELVIN That monominute somebody gets that you need them they threaten to go away. Never fails. CAROL That's not compliment, Melvin... That's just trying to sound smart so I feel stupid... A compliment is something nice about somebody else... Now or never. MELVIN Okay. CAROL And mean it... MELVIN Can we order first? MELVIN Two crab dinners and pitcher of cold beer. Baked or fries? CAROL Fries. MELVIN One baked -- one fries. STARTLED WAITER I'll tell your waiter. MELVIN Okay, I got a real great compliment for you and it's true. CAROL I am so afraid you're about to say something awful... MELVIN Don't be pessimistic. It's not your style. Okay... Here I goes... Clearly a mistake. I have this -- what? Ailment... And my doctor -- a shrink... who I used to see all the time... he says 50 or 60 percent of the time a pill can really help. I hate pills. Very dangerous things, pills. "Hate," I am using the word "hate" about pills. My compliment is that when you came to my house that time and told me how you'd never -- well, you were there, you know... The next morning I started taking these pills. CAROL I don't quite get how that's a compliment for me. MELVIN You make me want to be a better man. CAROL That's maybe the best compliment of my life. MELVIN Then I've really overshot here 'cause I was aiming at just enough to keep you from walking out. CAROL So how are you doing with those pills? Well, I hopahopahopa. MELVIN Takes months to know... They work little by little. Talking like this is exhausting. CAROL Have you ever let a romantic moment make you do something you know is stupid? MELVIN Never. CAROL Here's the trouble with never. MELVIN You don't owe me that. CAROL That wasn't payment. When you first came into breakfast, when I saw you -- I thought you were handsome... Then, of course, you spoke... So now that your soft li'l underbelly is all exposed. Tell me, why did you bring me? MELVIN Well, ah... that's a personal question. CAROL Tell me even if you're scared. Tell me why you wanted me here. It's okay. CAROL If you ask me... I'll say, "yes." MELVIN There are lots of reason... I had a thought that if you had sex with Simon it might... CAROL Sex with Simon? MELVIN It's one idea... CAROL That's why you brought me? Look at me! Is that really why you brought me... Like I'm a what and I owe you what?! MELVIN I don't know why I brought you -- that idea occurred to me is all... It came out first... Hey, you kiss him -- me... He says he loves you. You two hit it off. But you don't want to... fine... Forget what I said about sex with Simon. It was a mistake. CAROL I'll never forget you said it. MELVIN It was a mistake. PARENTS' VOICE Hi. This is Fred Bishop...... and Betty. We are sorry to be unable to take your call right now. Please leave a message and we'd appreciate your including the time/date and purpose of your call. SIMON Ah, this is Simon... I'm here in town...... and, folks, you haven't come home later than 10 in your lives. Please pick up -- really... Okay... I'm going to call again in the morning. I need to see you. Or, at least get you to answer the phone. SIMON Hello... Hello??? SIMON Was this supposed to be your room? CAROL Our room. I don't want to see him and he's not going to come knocking on your door. SIMON Can you not be violent? CAROL I don't think so. You need help with the pants? SIMON No!!! CAROL I'm going to take a big bath and order a big meal. SIMON Uh-huh... CAROL I'm sorry... are you okay? SIMON Well, considering everything's horrible and tomorrow I have to face my parents... Don't ask me... I'm sick of my own complaints... got to get me a new set of thoughts. CAROL Why? What have you been thinking about? SIMON How to die, mostly. CAROL Can you believe in our little mix you're the good roommate. SIMON Good night. CAROL Good night. SIMON Hold it. SIMON I've got to sketch you. CAROL No... Absolutely not. I'm shyer than you think. I give the wrong impression sometimes and... SIMON I haven't even been thinking about sketching for weeks. CAROL Stop staring. Do a vase. SIMON But you're beautiful... your skin glows. CAROL Thanks. But I just want to take a bath and... SIMON That long neck -- the line of you... you're porcelain... your back goes on forever. You're classic... you're why cavemen chiseled on walls... CAROL All right, cut me a break. MELVIN So then, the next thing I know, she's sitting right next to me, and then, well, it's not right to go into the details, but I screwed up. I got nervous. I said the wrong thing and if I hadn't, I could be in bed now with a woman who if you could make her smile you got a life. Instead, I'm here with you, no offense, a moron pushing the last legal drug. CAROL I don't care how you put it -- We're being naughty here, pal. SIMON No. No. This is great, this is so great. I can't get the angle with this cast. MELVIN Did you have sex with her? MELVIN Sorry, didn't realize she was right there. Did you have sex with her? CAROL To hell with sex. CAROL We held each other. It was better than sex. What I need he gave me great. SIMON I just love her. How're you doing? SIMON Hello, hi, Mom -- I can barely hear you. Do you have to whisper? No -- don't apologize -- it was the luckiest thing for all of us that you didn't answer last night... I can't hear you... okay, dear, just listen to me then. MELVIN I get why you're angry. It's no snap to explain why I was like that, but let's not try to do it on the run... SIMON ... so Mom. Truly no grudges -- truly. A little odd that you didn't come to see me when you heard I was hurt, but the important thing I want you to know is your son is happy. I'm working again. I'll make do -- I don't want a thing. Wouldn't take it if it was offered. I'll drop you a note from wherever I land and then it's up to you. I hope we patch things up but know that if we don't, I wish you both the very best... I can't hear you. You heard me, though, right? Good -- take good care. 'Bye. MELVIN ... Now he's going to want to stay. And they'll want to take a ride to the lake or whatever. So it's a good five hours back. It gives us a chance to take it easy and... SIMON I'm going back with you. CAROL But what about... SIMON I'll take care of myself -- MELVIN What are you talking about? You got real problems. SIMON I know. I'm a little bit nervous. Suddenly everything seems so easy. Carol, a load has been lifted. CAROL One night with me! SIMON You think you're kidding. MELVIN Aww Jesus! No choice. CAROL I got a gift for you. MELVIN Nothing like no choice to make you feel at home. CAROL Let me see... Ahh, gorgeous! MELVIN Do it then. Get the dog picked up. I can't believe you let it stay there. MELVIN Good-bye. Well, your luck is holding. They sublet your place. You're homeless. Frank's got a line on another place you can use for now. SIMON Another place where? MELVIN Does it matter? CAROL I don't want to hear that music right now. MELVIN What do you mean? You said you liked it. CAROL I don't. MELVIN This one has a special meaning. CAROL It's your car but I don't want to hear it. If that means anything. MELVIN Here are the keys to my apartment. I'm going to park you in my place while I take Carol home. CAROL I'll take a bus. MELVIN I'll take you... why not? CAROL I don't care what you did for me. I don't think I want to know you anymore -- all you do is make me feel badly about myself. You have my number. SIMON I love you... Let him take you home. CAROL Don't want to. I love you. MELVIN Don't say anything. MELVIN I told you to go on in. SIMON Look, I've got to get a hold of Frank and see where I'm hanging my hat 'cause... MELVIN I think you gotta camp it here... SIMON What are you talking about? SIMON I know the feeling -- you feel like your ol' self again, huh? --Mommy and Daddy are home. SIMON Sorry... You're fun to mess with. MELVIN They took your place furnished. Jackie said she grabbed your personal stuff -- they were supposed to set you up here. There's this extra room -- I never use. It gets good light. No other answer really. SIMON Thank you, Melvin. You overwhelm me. MELVIN They did a nice job... Cozy, huh? SIMON I love you. MELVIN I'll tell you, buddy, I'd be the luckiest guy alive if that did it for me. SIMON Where is my big hairy boy? SIMON Verdell, sweeties? SIMON Sorry, didn't know you were awake. I just thought Verdell shouldn't get too used to sleeping in here 'cause then... MELVIN Look, we both want the dog -- and... SIMON Should I get it? SIMON Hello. SIMON Hello. It's me. He took me in. Did you know? Hold on, I'll get him for you. It's Carol. MELVIN Here. Take the dog. SIMON Good luck. MELVIN Hello. CAROL Yeah... Well... MELVIN How you doing? CAROL I can trust my brain. MELVIN That seems like a good choice. CAROL I don't know whether I'm being sensible or hard on you. MELVIN The two might go together. CAROL See. There's an example. I don't know whether you're being cute or crazy now. MELVIN Cute. CAROL You don't have to answer everything I say. Just listen to me. Okay? MELVIN Yes. CAROL It's really something that you're looking after Simon. And what I said on the street. That was a bad thing to say. And it made me sick to my stomach. It was a bad thing to say. And I'd be lying if I didn't say that I enjoyed your company... but the truth is you do bother me enormously and I know -- think -- that it's best for me to not have contact with you because you're just not ready and you're a pretty old guy to not be ready... and I'm too old to ignore that. But there were extraordinary kindnesses that did take place. So thanks for the trips... MELVIN Okay to say something now? CAROL Go ahead. MELVIN I should've danced with you. CAROL Okay. Good-bye. MELVIN So long. MELVIN You going to come talk to me or not? SIMON I'm coming. SIMON What did she say? MELVIN I'm a great guy -- "extraordinary"...... and she doesn't want contact with me. I'm dying here. SIMON Because...... you love her? MELVIN No... and you're supposed to be sensitive and sharp. SIMON Okay... you tell me why -"You're dying here." MELVIN I don't know... Let me sleep on it and figure it out. Because I'm stuck! Can't go back to what I had... She's evicted me from my life. SIMON Did you like it that much? MELVIN It was better than this... Look, you, I'm very intelligent. If you're going to give me advice or conversation or consolation or hope, you got to be better than you're doing. If you can't be at least momentarily interesting than shut the hell up. I'm drowning and you're describing water. SIMON Picking on me won't help. MELVIN Well, if that's true then I'm really in trouble. SIMON But you know where you're lucky? MELVIN Absolutely not. SIMON You know who you want. I'll take your seat any day. So do something... don't sleep on it... go over there. I don't think anybody should ever sleep on anything -- it's not always good to let things calm down. MELVIN Hey... I'm charged here. But she might kill me for showing up this late. SIMON Then get in your jammies and I'll read you a story... I think you've got a chance. The only real enemy you have is her ability to think logically -- the best thing you have going for you is your willingness to humiliate yourself if it gives you one chance in whatever -- so go catch her off-guard. MELVIN Okay. Thanks a lot. Here I go. SIMON What's wrong? MELVIN I forgot to lock the door. CAROL What do you want, Melvin? MELVIN Were you asleep? CAROL What do you want? MELVIN 'Cause if you were asleep -- I'm sorry. And you could be grouchy. CAROL Grouchy? MELVIN ... 'Cause of being woken up, and it would make my job impossible. So then I wouldn't even try. CAROL What job? MELVIN Were you asleep? CAROL What are you doing here? MELVIN I'm sorry I woke you -- some other time. CAROL I wasn't asleep!! MELVIN What a break... CAROL Is it a secret what you're doing here? MELVIN I had to see you... CAROL Because... MELVIN It relaxes me... I'd feel better just sitting on the curb in front of your house than anyplace else I can think of or imagine. MELVIN Wait a minute, I'm overstating here, maybe the inside stairs. I don't want to sit with my feet in the gutter. What does that serve? It only... CAROL Stop it!! Why can't I have a normal boyfriend??? Why? Get out of here. Just a regular boyfriend who doesn't go nuts on me... BEVERLY Everybody wants that, dear -- it doesn't exit... Sorry... didn't mean to interrupt. MELVIN CAROL Oh, come on in and try not to ruin everything by being you. MELVIN Maybe we could live without the wise cracks. CAROL Maybe we could... MELVIN It feels a little confined here. Let's take a walk. CAROL See. It's four in the morning. A walk sounds a little screwy to me, if you don't mind. MELVIN If you need an excuse, there's a bakery on the corner. There's a shot it'll open soon -- that way we're not screwy -- we're just two people who like warm rolls. CAROL Okay. CAROL I'm sorry, Melvin -- but whatever this is -- is not going to work. MELVIN I'm feeling... I've been feeling better. CAROL Melvin, even though it may seem that way now -- you don't know me all that well... I'm not the answer for you. MELVIN Hey, I've got a great compliment for you. CAROL You know what? I... MELVIN Just let me talk. I'm the only one on the face of the earth who realizes that you're the greatest woman on earth. I'm the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing you do -- in every single thought you have... in how you are with Spencer -- Spence...... in how you say what you mean and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good... MELVIN I think most people miss that about you and I watch wondering how they can watch you bring them food and clear their dishes and never get that they have just met the greatest woman alive... And the fact that I get it makes me feel great... about me! You got a real good reason to walk out on that? CAROL No! It's certainly not. No -- I don't think so. No. MELVIN I'm gonna grab you. I didn't mean it to be a question. I'm gonna grab you. MELVIN I know I can do better. CAROL Warm rolls... They walk to the bakery, Melvin avoiding the cracks. As they enter the bakery, a WORKER moves toward them to clean the entranceway. FADE OUT THE END